I Want To

Driving down the interstate on a Friday morning, four lanes of traffic, 70 mph, I looked up to see an eighteen-wheeler veering back and forth across the two lanes to my right. He almost jack-knifed, attempting to avoid running over a sports car perpendicular in the lane ahead of him. Somehow, after an incredible feat of driving, the eighteen-wheeler made it off the road to the right without crushing the sports car.

The sports car spun around into the lane to my left, got traction, and was suddenly coming head-on at me. I had a pickup truck on my left and a car on my right. The driver of the pickup truck hit his brakes, slowing enough for me to punch my accelerator, shoot into the gap, miss the sports car, and swerve back into my own lane. It happened fast yet it still plays in my head in slow motion.

As the reality of our near miss with death hit me, all I could think of was, “Thank You, Lord. Thank You. Please take care of everyone coming behind.” I honestly do not know how we all missed each other. My only explanation is that I’m not done yet. There must be a reason I’m still on this earth. So, what am I going to do with that?

I want to “burn brighter.” I want to live each day like the gift it is. I want to be like Jimmy Morris (Dennis Quaid) in The Rookie. After almost packing it in from discouragement, Jimmy changed his attitude. “You know what it is we get to do today, Brooks (Russell Richardson)? We get to play baseball!” And everything changed. Suddenly it was all worth it. It was fun. He made history. I want to do life like that. To quote Sandra Bullock, “The rule is you have to dance a little bit in the morning before you leave the house because it changes the way you walk out in the world.”

I want to “dig deeper.” I don’t want to take things at face value. I want to look deep. If someone is unkind to me, instead of assuming the worst, I want to find out what’s behind it. Are they okay? Are they just having a bad day? Is everything alright at home? I want to make the effort to see beyond the external and try to understand them better. I want to make a difference in their life instead of being just another painful casualty. Maybe it won’t help. Maybe it will and I’ll never know. Either way, it’ll make a difference in my life, in my outlook, in my heart. I will look for the best and hold out hope for them no matter what it looks like on the surface.

I want to “stand taller.” As a young teen, I was taller and skinnier than most of my classmates. I was shy and self-conscious, so I hunched my shoulders in order not to stand out. My dad encouraged me to stand tall, not try to fit in, to be who I was. The older I got, the more I realized he was right. God made me unique. I don’t have to copy others. No one is just like me. I need to fulfill the purpose God has for me. Stand tall, accept my place, my reason for being, my responsibility. I need to stand tall and own it.

I want to “dream bigger.” I love to write. I have wanted to write for as long as I can remember. I’d love to write books for middle graders, or adults, or anybody else, just write something that someone loves to read and that matters, makes a difference. But even if I never publish a single book, I never want to wonder, “What if I’d given it a shot?” so I’m going to put myself out there and try. Even if I never publish and God only wants to use me in the trying I will have learned so much, made so many friends, and been able to encourage so many others, that it’ll be worth it. So, I’m going to keep dreaming, keep trying, keep hoping. I’m going to “dream bigger.”

And most of all I want to share the Truth. When I was navigating through 70 mph traffic, no time to think, just react, all I could do was cry out, “Lord, help me.” When the tornado came over our house a few years ago and I dove into the hall, wrapped around our cat, in the fetal position, debris slamming into our house, all I could do was cry out, “Lord, keep us safe.” When I was caring for my mom, all of us totally in shock that she was dying of pancreatic cancer, all I could do was call out, “Lord, give me strength. Help me do this. Help me be strong for her and for my family.”

Every time, in every situation, I had the peace and presence of God. I know He is there. I know He cares. I know I could not do life without Him. I want to share what I know. So, I’m going to live, to love, to act like Jesus matters. Because in the grand scheme of things, what we do with Him is really all that counts.

God’s got a purpose for me. I don’t want to miss it. I don’t want to waste a single minute. In the words of the daughter of a dear friend:

“At the end of the day, what I really want most is for my life to be lived as though eternity is real.”—Lauren M.

Drive safely out there.

Blessings!

*Lyrics quoted from “What If” written by Matthew West, Ran Jackson, and AJ Pruis on the album Brand New